Fear of Failure. Fear in Failure. Fear vs. Failure.
Welcome to my world the last few weeks. I have been struggling, cognivitely, for awhile now. My love and I had THE talk last night (I am writing this early Sunday morning, 05.20.18).
You know the talk, THE one where you have to explore whether or not it really is time to face reality, and accept that it is time for assisted living.
I don’t appear outwardly like I need such help. I get that. But my head hurts. Not as in physical pain (well, sometimes), but mostly I am in pain because if I give in to how I really feel I would be walking around with my hands clasped to the sides of my head, holding my hair and screaming.
Thinking has become that difficult for me.
For a long time, I have made it through each day in 3-count increments. I have 1-3 things to do, max, at any given time: make coffee, brush teeth, put shoes on. I complete my 3 and move on to the next set. On a good day I can incorporate a 4th item but usually my count is 3. Lately, if I get interrupted, I can’t remember what my 3 count was. The coffee pot burns up because I forgot that was part of my 3 count. I show up at the store in my house shoes, because – oh yeah, that was in my 3 count. Or, late in the day my mouth is all wonky because I never got around to brushing my teeth.
Notes don’t help. Trust me. I went to a great TBI Rehab clinic and have many, many tools for managing cognitive function. If notes or any of the other things we learned to do still helped, I would be doing them. I find notes days later and don’t remember what they’re for. I’ve tried a spiral, a notebook, whiteboards, etc. My brain is not cooperating.
I get that a lot of these symptoms are within the “norm” range, especially as we age. People often leave the coffee pot on, or leave the house with mix-matched shoes, or forget they wrote a note so they wouldn’t forget something, or forget what they walked in to a room for … on and on, ad nauseum. But if you do that ALL day long, EVERY single day, trust me – your doctor is going to eventually evaluate you for dementia or some form of brain disorder.
Now, for me, unfortunately … even if I finish my 3 count, I sit and stare for very long periods of time trying to remember what my next 3 count should be. The lights are on, but no one is home.
Here is what I compare it to …
You know how your cellular data plan renews each month? And, if you’re like most smartphone users that sometimes reach maximum data usage before the renewal date, you get throttled back. The speed is s-l-o-w until your plan renews. Or, if you run out of data completely, you’re just out of luck. You can type in the URL but nothing happens. Then there’s the days when it’s like a slow upload, neurons firing in mud. Well, all of that … that’s my brain. And it’s painful.
It all gets clogged up and thinking is just v-e-r-y very s-l-o-w. Lately, there’s been no data available. Usually, I can take a nap, sit quietly in nature, do my prayer and meditation, or even practice yoga to reset my data plan. None of my tools have been working for weeks now. I literally can sit in a chair, all day, and stare. And be okay. Lights are on, nobody is home.
I’m not okay with that.
So last night we had THE talk.
Robert was surprised to hear that when we toured The Cambridge Assisted Living center where his sister and niece work, that I not only was in awe of the beauty and grandeur of that place, I was scoping it out as a potential resident.
Sometimes with tears, but always with love, we talked and explored the options. It should be no surprise that he came up with alternatives I had not thought of. Duh. I am so very blessed to be loved by a man that will not give up on me.
We are going to aggressively cut back on my activity so that I have as few interruptions as possible. Extreme respite and solitude are in order. As soon as we can afford it, we will get a toad so that I can remain stationary while Robert comes and goes as often as he needs or wants. In our current financial state, it won’t be much of a vehicle – we’re thinking a few hundred dollars when we can – but it will meet our needs and allow some ease, and that’s all that matters.
I’m going to miss out on a lot – family functions, outings and there will be days I won’t even be able to go to the gym we just joined. But if it helps, if all of this allows me to start thinking again, we will have kept me out of assisted living and in our home. Any sacrifices that accomplish that will be worth it.
I love making videos and writing. If I never get to do more than that – connect with viewers, write stories, live with my love and our adorable furbaby – I will be happy, blessed and grateFULL. How could I not be?
That was last night. Then this morning I woke up in fear. Is this arrangement fair to Robert? Will the new plan work? Will it be enough to recharge my data plan? I even giggled. The thoughts may have revolved around fear and failure, but at least I was thinking. Then that made me sad. All before my first cup of coffee!
So I turned to prayer and meditation and below is the Daily Word that popped up for me to contemplate. I love the saying:
Coincidence is God remaining anonymous.
Serendipity is God signing his name.
Synchronicity is God showing off.
And I love the way God shows up in our lives.
KOKO beautiful viewers and wonderful readers!
Life is good always, no matter what.
© 2015-2018 by Unity. All rights reserved.
Divine Expression – IN TRUTH I CANNOT FAIL.